The Hottest Warlord of the Empire
by MsTria
Summary: A comedial part of Heart Of Ice. Visser Three can't believe his ears when he's asked to pose in a Yeerkish Playgirl related magazine Seyrane. But he'll realize how fun it can be to expose...
1. Handsome, Sexy and Dangerous

_**The Hottest Warlord of the Empire**_

_**Chapter 1**_

The Andalite bandits spoil once again a project based on my so good idea. The warriors foul up. Iniss Two-Two-Six stutters something incoherent. The Council of Thirteen threats with reduction. I cut my subordinates' heads and get blood on my tail.

Oh yes, my name is Esplin Nine-Four-Double-Six, also known as Visser Three. I just described my past day. And they say the life of a visser is easy.

I walked swearing by the corridor of the Mother Ship towards my own Blade Ship. I hoped Jill, my mistress, would be there waiting me and not somewhere handling her own business. I wanted to vent my rage by another way than killing. As I was turning to the docking station, I heard someone shouting after me: "Visser! Visser! Wait!" It was one Human-Controller.

(What?) I snapped at him. He seemed to shrink inside his pitiable skin, but he managed to say: "Well, Visser… I just had one matter… in the first convention room there's one person, who'd like to see you."

I rolled my eyes –all of them- and followed the Controller to the first convention room of the Mother Ship. I wondered in the same, who there would be waiting me. I wished it would be none of the Council. I wasn't emotionally ready to speak with anyone of them in the moment. But probably it would be some other visser –and if it was the most high-ranked and absolutely the most dapsenish of us, or Visser One, I swore I'd jump out from the nearest ship window.

But there was an unknown female Human-Controller waiting in the convention room. She smiled at me sincerely and introduced herself: "Hello, Visser Three, sir. I'm Gargina Five-One-Three from the magazine _Seyrane._"

My eyes opened wide. _Seyrane?_ A paper-made publication adopted from humans, a magazine, directed to female Controllers. Besides various and light articles they published sexy photographs of male Controllers in the magazine. The parallel magazine for male Controllers was called _Seyrlin._

(What do you want from me?) I asked sharp from Gargina, who answered: "You see, Visser, the market of our mag has become lower last times and we'd need new, bold material about really known Yeerks… so would you please agree to pose on the cover and centerfold of our next issue?"

(To _Seyrane? ME?)_ I shrieked, and I'm sure my expression was worth to see.

"Yes, yes! Did you know that the half of the male Controllers I know work out for get a body like yours! Thin, muscular, good-looking and a famous visser –what a perfect combination!" Gargina enthused.

I thought over for a moment. Yes, Gargina was right, when it came to my appearance. Posing in _Seyrane_… it could be fun but could hurt my visser credibility.

"We'll pay ten thousand Yeerk coins!"

I made my decision –ten thousand is ten thousand.

"Thank you, Visser", Gargina gasped. "Actually, we could leave to the studios of _Seyrane _now. They're on the Sstram planet, it takes just a day to get there. There is a Kandrona in the ship."

So I gave to my lieutenants the orders how to lead the war when I would be away, and left. To become photographed for _Seyrane. _

At the destination I was met by a pink creature with two pairs of legs and hands, two big and long-lashed eyes in the top of similar stalks to mine and a strongly red-painted mouth covering almost the whole face –a female Sstram-Controller.

"Welgome", she said twisting phonemes in Sstram way. "Wisser Dree. It is wonderful to ssee you here. I'm Ifrish Two-Four-Ssewen, da editor of _Sseyrane._"

Ifrish turned to the mixed crowd of Controllers behind her. "Well den. Take him to being prepared." One of the Controllers, a younger female Sstram, took my hand and said: "Gome on, ssir."

(Hey, wait a minute, to being prepared… what?) I wondered confusedly.

"Well, to being prepared for da photographing of goursse", Ifrish laughed. "Shower, brusshing, hoof sshining, oiling, make-up…"

(Oiling? Make-up?) I repeated stupidly.

"Yes, you look muz ssexier when your…" Ifrish stared my belly and arms, "mussgles glissten in oil. And make-up bringss your besst traitss out. With all da respect, Wisser Dree –no objegtionss." She turned and walked away. I felt so dizzy that I couldn't even resist, when two Controllers led me "to being prepared".

"Okay den! Sstand wid your bak sstraight! Lift your zin more! Look at da gamera! More possture! Remember you're da dirdly highesst-ranked wisser of da Empire! Look ssexy!"

I stood in the middle of the studio of _Seyrane_ with my face painted and my body covered by oil. The oil had apparently another meaning: it pushed my hair so sleek and close-fitting that it left nothing for guess. Ifrish, who was standing in the edge of the studio, yelled instructions to me. "Pull your mussgles tight! Jusst sso!"

The cameras flashed. I changed my positions and expressions. In some way it was fun, at least I was the center of attention. I saw some Human-Controller enthusing to Gargina: "This is gonna be a smashing article! Visser Three Uncovered, oh…"

"Dapsen, he doesn't wear clothes anyway", Gargina rolled her eyes and the other Controller woman blushed. I noticed that the female Controllers hanging on the edges of the studio watched me in three different ways. Some stared lustfully almost drooling, the others looked appraising. And then there was also those who apparently couldn't see anything attractive in my Andalite body or just disliked me. Probably Visser One's supporters.

"It'ss time to take ssome _dat _kind of photoss, issn't it?" Ifrish grinned to Gargina and the other Human-Controller, and they nodded.

"All right. Wisser…" Ifrish said turning her look at me, "just dink of, ssay, your perssonal assistant. Jill, or what sshe's galled. Dink her lying on your bed… looking at you wid a sseduging look… and opening her bak legss to you…"

My thoughts wandered to Jill and the situation Ifrish was describing. I felt a certain part of my body filling up with blood…

"Go, Medrash, and give him a little help", Ifrish told one young female Human-Controller, who walked to me and slid her hand between my back legs. My tail was on her throat with a blink of an eye. What rights she had for touching my intimate parts?

"Don't, Wisser", Ifrish calmed me down. "We musst get ssome photoss of you, erm, wid a _hard-on_."

I moved my tail off and let the girl fondle me. In the name of Kandrona –she really could!

"Hard as an iron bar", she purred. "And good sized too…"

"Fine. Gome away from dere, Medrash. And Wisser", Ifrish gave instructions, "turn a bit… move your front legs… spread your bak legs a little…"

You might think it would have felt humiliating for me to stand there like that and show the size and hardness of my organ for a magazine published all over the Empire, but guess what? I just felt myself extremely masculine and sexual! I enjoyed the flashes and the looks licking my body and tried to look as cheeky as possible –watch out, females, here comes Visser Three!


	2. Phone Sex

Chapter 2 

"All right, diss is enough, we'll gontinue tomorrow", Ifrish said finally. "Medrash shows you where you'll ssleep." The same Human-Controller who had handled me took me to the wing building of the studios and there to a luxurious apartment.

"Just let us know if you need something, Visser", Medrash giggled as she left me alone. To get washing that disgusting oil out of my hair was all I wanted at that moment.

Much later I stepped out of the bathroom of the apartment, soaking wet but still a bit oily. For a moment I had been thinking of asking Medrash to come washing my back, but I had decided to not bother. I took my videophone instead and created the connection to the orbit of the Earth –but not to the regular screen of the Mother Ship or my Blade Ship but Jill's personal videophone.

Her beautiful female Andalite face appeared on the screen of my phone and I heard her thought-speech as normal voice: "Hello, Visser. Everything is all right here, I just talked with Iniss Two-Two-Six by the hologram projector and he said we have got new voluntary hosts again."

(What about the Andalite bandits?) I asked.

"Nothing heard from them. Nothing", Jill said with a regretting tone of voice. I snorted discontentedly.

"By the way, are you alone?" Jill asked. I nodded.

"Fine. Me too", Jill giggled. "I'm lying on our bed. Would you like to tell… what kind of photos you posed today?"

(I'd love to), I smirked, because I knew what Jill had in her mind. And I had nothing against it. (I stood there… oiled… in the middle of cameras… and everyone was watching… not _me_, actually, but my body, if you understand what I'm meaning…)

"You have so great body that it's really something to look at", Jill praised.

(I kept my muscles tight), I went on. (I grinned to the cameras. And I thought of you for make myself excite…)

"Did they photograph you in _that_ condition?" Jill almost shouted.

(Yes, and many times), I boasted. (Believe it or not, I _enjoyed_ it…)

I fell myself onto the bed and changed my thought-speech voice so that Jill would hear it low and hoarse. (But now I would love to have you really…)

"Oh Visserrrr…" Jill purred. "Just by thinking of your all tough and muscular body I become mad for desire…"

(Guess what? If I was there, I would tie you up and make love to you until you bled…)

"You would never tire", Jill sighed. "And when you would stop, you would give me a hard spanking with your tail… And I would just scream and moan in pleasure and never get enough… and then I could morph into human…"

(Oh! Go on! What would you do then?) I moaned.

"Well, I could show you all wonderful that a human's mouth can do", Jill giggled. "With my strong human hands helping…"

What does it say about a creature, if she gets you mad in excitement just by words? Suddenly one practical thing occurred to me.

(Erm… Jill?) I whispered. (Could we stop? You see, I… cannot change sheets.)

Jill laughed. "I see." She still looked very disappointed.

(Just wait until I am back), I said. (Then you will get that kind of ride that you will remember it to the end of your life.)

She laughed again. "I will do what you want, my Visser."

Then her expression turned more serious, even sorrowful. I couldn't interpret it completely. Her next gesture, then, was totally inconceivable: like she had wanted to tear her heart apart her breast and give it to me. Then the screen went dark. I shrugged my shoulders and put the videophone off.

On the next morning I was practically dragged out of my bed through the handling of the dressers to photo sessions –_very_ bold ones. I don't know if Ifrish's assistants had stuck something into my hooves when I had slept, but I exposed _everything_ to the cameras and felt no shame at all. I just could have continued it endlessly. On the best moments I even thought of finishing my military career and becoming a _Seyrane_ model. But later I only laughed to the idea.

In some pictures I laid relaxed on a bed or stood under shower with an enjoyable expression, and on the next moment I was posing pictures corresponding my character better, with my tail upright, hands crossed on my breast and an extremely form-fitting leather suit on. Photos after photos. Constant flashing. No wonder I was totally worn out, when Ifrish finally said: "Well den, we've got now da pigturess we need. Wisser, you have now a bit of freetime before da interview."

(Interview? Have you booked even that thing for me?) I gasped.

"Of goursse, we musst have ssome kinda artigle of you too. Gome to da gafeteria widin a little time, Gargina Five-Four-Four'll wait you dere." Ifrish pointed at a blond short-haired Human-Controller who had been with the other Gargina in the studio the day before.


	3. Freaky Interview And Oatmeal Party

**Chapter 3**

I went quickly to my room to wash myself, and then it was time to go to the cafeteria. The blond Gargina was already sitting at a table waiting for me. I walked to her. She pulled out a recorder that was as big as her palm –that was surely because it had to be able to record thought-speech too- and opened the interview saying: "Well, Visser, could you tell me how did you become the thirdly most powerful general in our empire?" I sneered and told my life story shortly to Gargina.

"Some humans say that power excites women. What do you think, does this hold water among us Yeerks?" Gargina went on.

(Well, there has always been eager creatures around me), I answered evasively. (Both females and males, although.)

Gargina looked disappointed when I had said the last phrase. However, she cheered up fast and asked straightly: "How many sex partners have you had in the time you've been in that host body?"

I was quiet for a long time. I counted. Finally I felt so frustrated that I cried: (I do not remember! A spontaneous guess is 150!)

Now Gargina looked like she had got an extra load of Kandrona rays. "What's the gender distribution in this number?"

(About two thirds of females), I estimated.

"So you like then more?" Gargina came up with a stupid question.

(Yes, I do.)

Gargina giggled. "What kind of woman does make you hot then?"

_What could I answer to that question? _(Well… attractive and elegant… self-confident… and crazy over me!) I up and said.

"Have you found that sort of creature yet?"

(I think Jill comes closest.)

"How many times in a night?"

(What?)

"How many acts you can do in a night!" Gargina almost shouted.

(Oh yes. Ten!) I smirked. It wasn't quite true, but you can always lie.

Gargina's eyes opened wide. "Oh! You're in a good form! I envy Jill. What do you wear when you're sleeping?"

I couldn't believe my ears. (Nothing, you dapsen!) I snapped. (If you have not realized, I am an Andalite-Controller, so I wear clothes just in exception cases!)

For a moment Gargina just stared at me. Then she pulled herself together again and asked carefully: "How have you got your gorgeous muscles?"

(They are my natural benefits come with the host), I used the words I had heard on the Earth, although I wasn't really sure what it exactly meant. Anyway, Gargina laughed and asked the next question: "What's your wildest fantasy like?"

I laughed viciously and whispered it to her. I saw her expressions changing from excitement to pure horror and disgust. As she had got over it, she wanted to know my greetings to the readers of_ Seyrane_. I thought for a moment and said with a grin: (Believe it or not, it is hard to be this good-looking.)

Later in the evening Medrash came fetching me to a notorious _Seyrane_ party. I followed her to the hall behind the studios. There was apparently the whole editorial staff of _Seyrane_ there. The ones who usually wore clothes had taken them mostly off. Ifrish waddled to me and shouted out: "Hey, Wisser Dree! It'ss lovely you're here!" She pointed behind her and said: "Mussig, drink, general fun and, of goursse…" she grinned, "oatmeal."

I morphed into my human morph and walked to one crowd. Though the night had just begun, they were already in a strong oatmeal intoxication. Now I realized for the first time that there were also male Controllers in the staff of _Seyrane_, a couple of men were sitting even with this diverse lot of females.

"Hellooo, Visser…" a young woman giggled. "Join us! Take some oatmeal…"

I don't usually condescend to confuse my head with that glop, but I decided to make an exception now. I felt the substance going up to my brain while my body was touched by countless pairs of hands –including the hands of the males…

On the next morning I woke up in my own body in the middle of the floor with a red PVC suit on, fluffy pink handcuffs around my wrists and blood under my tail, and without any memory of the past night.

When I finally managed to get back to the Earth, everyone who dared asked me thoroughly _what_ it had been like to be in the photo sessions of _Seyrane_. I answered shortly and without details, but after the seventh Controller who had asked just the same I lost my temper and yelled that I would kill the next one who even mentions _Seyrane _to me.

Of course, Jill was an exception. I met her in the evening on the Blade ship and in the beginning she said nothing about _Seyrane_. She just saluted me in a sweet formal style: (Good evening, Visser Three, sir. I am glad you are back. How was your travel?)

I couldn't hold back laughter. (I am away for a couple of days and you start to speak to me like that. Are you going to continue within the next night?)

Jill laughed too. Carefully, but she did. ("Do you want that I massage you, Visser? I am pleased of that it feels good for you.") She stepped closer to me. (And would you like to tell me what happened in the _Seyrane _photo sessions, Visser?)

I smirked. (Will see.) We walked together to my own room. And I told Jill what it had been like in the Seyrane photo sessions. With details. All right –I didn't tell so much about the party.


	4. Epilog

Epilog 

The next issue of _Seyrane, _or "my"_ Seyrane_, was released in one Earth month. It had me posing in the cover with my head and tail stately upright and the leather suit on, with the text "Visser Three –the Hottest Warlord of the Empire". There was a wide feature of me between the covers, generally based on the interview I had given, although the editors seemed to had invented by themselves some new things to it. And there was lots of pictures. I smirked as I saw the centerfold. It had been taken in the first session, apparently just after Medrash had left. I just loved my expression in that shot.

Of course, I ordered an extra consignment of _Seyrane _to the region of the Earth, and of course the magazines were sold out everywhere within one Earth hour. I got a message from Ifrish and she told that the new issue had lifted the selling numbers of _Seyrane_ to the skies in the whole empire. Although I also heard a rumor that Visser One had banned the magazine in her own district –and another rumor said that the same Visser read the new _Seyrane _in secret in her own room drooling onto my pictures. I had my pay in the same month and it was over two times bigger than Gargina had promised.

Now you might wonder the same than Ifrish, the Garginas, the other in the editing staff of _Seyrane, _Jill, Visser One, and almost everyone else of the Yeerks in this galaxy –will I agree to pose in _Seyrane _another time? Well… if you waited until I have got the Earth's invasion to the end?


End file.
